Do you REALLY appreciate your partner?

Well, do you?  Because in one moment of tragedy, I have learned that I do not appreciate who my husband is.  Do not be confused by my admission.  I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate the fact that he is the sole income provider for our family, nor am I saying that I do not appreciate the awesome father he is, nor do I ignore the amazing examples he sets for our boys.  I simply mean that I do not appreciate the person that my husband is when he is not with me or in the presence of our family.  The guy that shows up at his office, runs an entire technology department, mingles with co-workers, spends hours and hours coaching young men and running a basketball program - that’s the guy I don’t appreciate because I didn’t know he existed.  Let me explain…

My husband, Matt, is the Director of Technology of a local school district, as well as the head coach for the Boys’ Varsity Basketball program.  If you ask me, I will tell you that he is very good at what he does (even if you think my opinion is biased and without merit).  I have a general idea of what he does at work, but truthfully, I do not understand a lot of it.  The same goes with his coaching career.  I know that he absolutely LOVES coaching, but I’ve never had a huge interest in basketball.  It doesn’t mean I love him any less, nor does it mean that I don’t pay attention when he’s telling me about the events of his day – it just means I trust that he puts in the time and effort to be good at both of these specific jobs.  It’s simple, really, like a + b = c.  

 

Photo credit: Tammy Schmeltz

This past weekend, the office that my husband has worked in for the past six years was destroyed in a fire that started in the bus garage and spread to the board office building.  At 8:30 Saturday morning, both of our phones were going crazy with text messages and phone calls from people who saw this event taking place on local news stations, as well as some calls from co-workers that were already at the scene.  Matt never hesitated in his decision to get to the school as quickly as possible.  As he was putting on some warmer clothes (because the arctic weather we’ve been experiencing is CRAZY), I asked him if he’d like me to come along and help out any way I could.  He looked me in the eye and said, “Yes, I want you there”.  It didn’t occur to me then that I would be entering a world that I’m normally not part of.  I mean, I know all of his co-workers.  But our relationships extend to a casual, informal conversation every now and again when I happen to see them while out and about.  I hadn’t considered that I would be seeing the Matt that they see every day; the guy who knows way more than I could possibly fathom to know; the guy people rely on for so many of their technological needs.  I was just going to play the role that every wife plays when her husband is under some sort of distress; I was allowing my presence to be the moral support I thought he would need.

Photo credit: Cheryl Routson

Photo credit: Tammy Schmeltz

So, I watched as he sat through meetings, took notes, made phone calls, took more notes, made more phone calls and brainstormed a game plan.  I stood outside in the bitter cold while the fire crews excavated the building and tried recovering important materials.  I watched as he sent the servers off to a lab in hopes of recovering any possible data.  I watched every inch of him get soaked from the sprays of water coming from the different angles of the hoses.  And with every passing minute, I watched as worry and a sense of loss defined the features of his face.  Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I realized I wasn’t looking at the person who I chose to spend my life with; I was looking at the man who just lost part of who he was – the part that didn’t include me.  My revelation doesn’t come from a place of bitterness, envy, or resentment.  It comes from the shameful thought I have selfishly neglected to recognize all of who he is, not just who I think he is.  I don’t have to know his work or understand the game of basketball to fully understand now that those two things are part of what defines HIM, not a part of what defines US.  

I’ve watched Matt work tirelessly since Saturday morning.  He and his co-workers are rebuilding and moving forward, and I have so much more respect and appreciation for the work he does.  He genuinely cares about his job and the people he works with.  He balances his work with his coaching because he also genuinely cares about all of his coaches and players.  I didn’t know I had more room for pride and love in my heart for him, but I do.  I’m so very thankful I’ve discovered now, when he needs it the most.